I am not a superhero

I spent lots of time in Ireland last year trying to figure out what would be better for me. I didn’t know if I should renew my visa or stay there no more than one year. It’d be good to extend my time in Europe to travel and master my English even more. Simultaneously, I missed my country and I wanted to work as a journalist in Brazil again. I was in two minds, and it was difficult to choose one path.

At the end of the day, many reasons lead me to stay in Ireland only until last March (as I did). December was a decisive month, when I made up my mind and started saying to myself that the game was over – almost over because I still had some months in Dublin and a plan to another trip around the continent. It wasn’t the only resolution though. I told myself to be happy on all occasions – or at least try to do it. Then, for the first time, I could live day by day, with a few plans. I knew life would be hard in Brazil, so why should I worry so much in advance? Take each day as it comes.

It was a huge learning. I didn’t have any certainty about my future and I didn’t care. I wanted to hang out with my friends, walk by the Liffey River, buy stuff at Penneys, backpack in many countries and watch the sunset in Dublin. Consciously, I decided to spend the rest of my money with me, with the purpose of making me feel good. In a world where everybody usually exists, living some meaningful days seemed a healthy and necessary rebelliousness. I used to think: and if I save some money to come back to Brazil in a “secure way” and the plane crashes? It might be a wrong thought, but it makes sense. I couldn’t handle the idea of not enjoying life as much as I should.

Almost four months after being back, I realize I was right. We do need to relish all the moments on Earth, and this is not bullshit from best sellers. At the same time, the reality is been tough these days, as I had predicted. I haven’t adapted to my “old life” as easy as I imagined. I’m not even the person that I used to be. As a result, I feel as if I live in another country, not the same one that I left before moving abroad.

Of course, I don’t regret the decision of starting another chapter in Brazil, but I can’t ignore how hard things can be when you don’t have any assurance. Sometimes I have the impression that I lost the track of my life and I don’t know how to recover it. I missed what I used to have, even though I can’t precise what these things are.

When my mind turns into a turmoil and I feel way too lost, I try to remember that my life is such a mess because I experienced loads of things lately – especially in the last two years. I quit my job after difficult circumstances, I left my friends and routine in Sao Paulo, I passed twelve months abroad, lots of people coming and going, some failed sentimental relations, unemployment, loneliness, lack of money and a great deal of uncertainty. In hindsight, I’d say that I haven’t been in a comfort zone for ages. In this aspect, it is more than normal to be in a state of confusion.

It’s also overwhelming to identify that people expect too much from me since. As if you need to be sure about everything all the time. I hate going out these days because I can’t bear the questions. “Where are you going?”, “What are you going to do now?” “What are your next plans?”. It’s tiring to say “I don’t know”, especially when your desire is just say “Leave me alone, my life is none of your business”.

I am trying to be optimistic. “I will overcome this period”, I repeat to myself. At the same time, I know that I need to use this moment to learn a good number of things. First of all, I must listen to people when they tell me to be patient. Secondly, I have to understand that I can’t feel pressured by people’s expectations. They are responsible for their lives and I’ll do the same with mine. Finally, it’s time to accept that I’m not an extraordinary creature of another planet – I’m just a human being who has defects and qualities. I must stop treating myself as a machine. Therefore, I shouldn’t blame myself when I’m sad or depressed because it’s natural when you have problems or are going through difficult times. We shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves.

Good things from the past also give me a great deal of strength. When things are too bad, I remember my first day in Florence in March. It was Monday, and the day was gorgeous. I was at the most famous bridge, Ponte Vecchio, and I wrote on my Facebook: “When I feel sad from now, I’ll try to remember of those sunny Mondays which are waiting for me”.

I’m waiting for you, sunny and beautiful Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays…

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Amanda // Pinechunks (Pinterest)

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